Three Strikes and You WIN
In the Spring of 3rd grade, I joined the Edison Angels Softball League in Edison, New Jersey. I would go on to play in the league for six seasons until my family moved.
I remember the weather being blustery cold during that first year of team photos. It must have been March. East Coast March is always ugly.
I wore a scratchy, polyester uniform in the deepest of navy with pants that were a few sizes too big. My trucker - excuse me, softball - hat was like a boxy beer cozy with wrinkled foam and stiff plastic webbing from the early 90’s. I think I wore a turtleneck underneath the bulky, deep v-neck man shirt to help keep me warm. The only fashionable part of this ensemble was the jacket. Somehow, I managed to score one of the white vintage jackets from the league. The embroidery was…baby blue I think? which is much more appropriate for a vibrant child.
Except, I wasn’t a vibrant child.
I was usually crying. And the crying probably started after my second grade teacher called my mom to tell her that I needed to stop singing in class. What kind of adult tells a child to stop expressing joy? Apparently, teachers who don’t feel any joy themselves. (Side note: my natal Chiron is in the sign of Gemini. Chiron’s placement represents some the most tender emotional and spiritual wounds. Gemini is the sign of communication.)
That first season of softball was tough. I struck out every time I went up to the plate. I cried on the bench every time I returned to the dugout. And on the ONE day (ok, maybe there was one other day too, but it really felt like ONE day only) that season when I finally hit the ball and scored a double, I still cried as I stood on second base. Everyone wanted to know why I was crying! I should be happy!
But, I wasn’t happy. Saturn was moving through my Fourth House and making my life miserable. No matter how hard I tried to hit the ball, achieve high scores on the state test, or get Tommy McGuiness to notice me with a paper Valentine, the cosmos were just not into it.
I also had the guts to sing Mariah Carey’s “Hero” in front of the whole school that year for the annual talent show, but when the mic let out a pitch at the beginning of the song (apparently) the whole school let out a cackle. I don’t think anyone was laughing at that made-up story about the mic. I’m pretty sure the school was laughing at me.
The only good thing about 3rd Grade was my teacher. She was the sweetest throwback from the 1960’s who dressed impeccably. Her creamy white hair always matched the taupe, fawn and bone woolen palette of her wardrobe. Her chalkboard cursive was perfect. And, she wrote in rainbow chalk. I loved how she taught in color. Kids need color.
The 4th grade was a little better. My teacher, Mrs. Malcus, was ruthless when it came to day-time lessons and night-time homework that prepared us for the state tests. She was as Saturnian as teachers come, but all that hard work helped me score a few “12’s” on some of the test subjects that year. Twelve was the best score you could get, and my good friend Nadia always scored “12’s”. She didn’t even have to work for it, that biatch. Finally, I was proving I could be as smart as Nadia, even if I had to endlessly labor over math lessons in my composition notebook. I hate math.
On the playing field that Spring season, I had a nice flow going between striking out and hitting the ball. Progress. That’s all that mattered.
So, the 4th Grade was better. There was hope for my little life, even if Saturn was still making his way through my Fourth House.
I think what gave me that tiny crumb joy in the 4th grade year was Saturn’s transition into the sign of Pisces that winter season. Aquarian life in the Fourth House is cold and barren in my night chart, but Pisces brings a sense of Spring and perhaps a daffodil or two. Or, should I say a few at-bats when I actually hit the ball and make it around the bases? In the Fourth House of Pisces, Saturn wasn’t letting up all that much, but life was at least tolerable. I’ll take a strike if it means I can get a hit too.
In the early Spring of my 5th grade year, Saturn finally crossed into my Fifth House. Now he was swimming along in the sign of Pisces and fully immersed in the land of play. And play he did! That Spring, I hit a home run nearly every time I went up to bat. It was a given. My place on the All-Star A team was a no-brainer, even if the parents who ran the summer program wanted to deny me a spot because I wasn’t part of their kids’ clique. You couldn’t touch me with that nonsense though. Not choosing me to be on the team would have made their superficial preferences obvious.
At school, I was elected to be a patrol and put on kindergarten duty (the most coveted position!) Every day, a small group of us patrols left lunch early to wait for the arrival of the kindergarten bus at the front of the elementary school. From there, we would skip with the kids down to their classrooms.
My personal style game was also on point: I was a walking advertisement for The Limited Too in my plaid this and waffle that. I rotated my outfits on a precise schedule. My favorite outfit day was the one when I could wear my soft purple leggings and banana yellow plaid shirt.
My grades were also good.
My teacher was awesome; he always handed out candy.
I had some reprieve from my childhood bully. (She wreaked havoc on me somewhere around the 3rd or 4th grade, and then would start her antics again in middle school.)
Overall, the 5th grade was a lot of fun. I even had fun at my dad’s house peach picking, bumper boating and jet skiing. (I’ll save the traumatic parental stories for another post.) Maybe it was this year too when he purchased a camcorder for me to record my softball games, hmm. Whenever it was, it was definitely during Saturn’s Fifth House Pisces transit. I was live’n large as an eleven year old.
I had forgotten about most of these childhood memories until recently when late one night I was panicking about the astrology of my year ahead. I have a few mid-life squares and once-in-a-lifetime oppositions last year, this year, and next year (a few notables featuring Pluto) that I decided needed additional survival planning. Also, Saturn has been playing DJ in my Fourth House since 2021, and I’m so over his repeated record scratching of “Burning Down the House.” When is he moving out?!
As I studied Pluto’s path* of the past 38 years throughout my natal chart, I began to think about the most painful years of my childhood. That’s when my brain decided to excavate the softball memories, and it turned out these memories occurred during the same Saturn transits I am experiencing now. I decided to dig further, because the past few years of my adult life have been emotionally hellish. I marinate in stress and anxiety about money, career success, and life purpose on the daily. My hair and skin have aged ten years in just two. I worked my ass off to heal lineage and familial issues. And my usual depression has ‘almost’ been so unbearable that I must coach myself every morning to make it through thoughts of death and suicide. So bleak, I know, but it’s the truth.
Reviewing these specific years of my childhood has given me a bit of hope for the future of my life during the upcoming Saturn in Pisces transit beginning next week, March 7th 2023.
Even with one week left until Saturn’s crossing, I feel the effects of Saturn’s new position in the sign of Pisces. After months of not working outside the home, and some of those months barely working while having zero success in job searching, I just wrapped a full week of presenting my cyanotype artwork at an elementary school and photographing high schoolers at their district equestrian meets. And, about a week ago, my mom randomly suggested I look into school subbing as a way to fill in the gaps of time and money. I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of this before!
I’m surprised, and I’m not, that these themes of children, play, and creativity are now making their presence known in my life. These themes are governed by Pisces (dreaming and creativity) or the Fifth House (children, sport, and play). These themes will likely express even more when Saturn enters my Fifth House in the Spring of 2024.
One more year to go, one more year to go.
I’m wondering if in the meantime an inclination toward a lighter and brighter wardrobe will occur too. Right now, all I seem to be attracted to are black coats. Though, I could jazz them up with a sprinkle of beading or sequins. I do happen to be intrigued by everything Orly Shani DIY lately.
And besides, wearing something that makes me feel a little more alive never hurts when having to step up to the plate of life. I might strike out. I might also WIN.
*From the day of my birth, Pluto has made his way over every single one of my planets. From the Ascendant to Saturn, he knocks ‘em down like dominoes. At ages 37-39, Pluto is nearing the end of his mission to kill me as he conjuncts my natal Mars at 29* Capricorn and opposes my natal Moon at 28* Cancer. Then, I’ve got a good ten years with a small sigh of relief until he hits my IC in Aquarius. I do wonder if my current Fourth House transit has been so difficult because Pluto is demolishing my foundations as Saturn does the same.
